#68: Inside Out 2: Four Lessons for Emotional Growth

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Have you been hearing the buzz about the latest Inside Out movie? It's not just for kids! In fact, there are some important lessons we can all learn from it about our emotional world and how that impacts our behavior and relationships. Today I talk about 4 of those lessons (plus a bonus) that resonated with me.

Learn more about Karin:

Website: https://www.drcalde.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode:

[00:49] Karin: Hello, everybody, and welcome. Today I'm going to be talking about inside out two. And unless you've been living in a cave, you probably know that that recently came out. I saw it with my husband last weekend. No kids, just us. And I absolutely loved it and he really appreciated it, too.

I loved the first one that came out in 2015. I think I've seen it maybe three times, and the last time I watched it, I just bawled my eyes out. So I was really expecting to cry during this one, but I didn't. I got maybe a little teary. And I've heard other people have really lost it while watching this because it really touches something in them. They recognize themselves in the movie, which is powerful. I mean, it's not that it's necessarily a sad movie, and in fact, there's a lot of really clever humor and so there are lots of opportunities to laugh. It's because they really get to the heart of anxiety and what it feels like to have it. That's the theme of this second one. Therapists, coaches love this movie because they nail it. They really do get it right. They really help you understand how your mind works, why you do the things you do, why you are the way you are. So if you're listening to this podcast, you might enjoy it, too. But then, of course, kids like it, their parents like it, so it speaks to a wide, wide audience.

I am going to give away some parts of the movie, so you might want to see it first before listening to this. I'm not going to be talking about the plot in general. I'm just going to be talking about certain aspects of it. But there are some spoilers, so just be aware of that. And I'm going to be talking about the first movie and the second movie because I think when taken together, it really gives us such a rich picture of the human mind and human behavior, human emotions. So I'm going to be giving four lessons today, and I could be talking about 20, probably, from the movie. There's just so much in there, but I'm going to focus on four plus a bonus, one that I thought came through in the movie, but isn't necessarily hit you over the head obvious.

So, for a little background, the different parts of Riley, who is a pre teen and is the star of the animated Pixar movie, Inside Out. These parts are portrayed as these extreme little personalities that embody different emotions. There's joy, sadness, fear, and disgust. I think I'm getting that right. And all of these emotions are parts of Riley, and they all do something for her. They're all important. And so this is the first lesson. And that is, we are made up of a range of different parts that feel a range of different emotions. And if we try to suppress the ones that we don't like, then we're also going to be dulling the rest of our emotions. We are human beings, and we are meant to feel the full range of emotions. And suppressing one hard emotion might seem like a good idea, because why would you want to feel that? Why would you want to feel sad? Why would you want to feel angry? The things that we tend to not to not really value or appreciate or really enjoy. But the thing is, is that it doesn't work very well. It ends up prolonging our suffering when we push things down, because it's going to keep trying to push through. And also the feelings will come out in ways that we don't necessarily expect or appreciate. And it might come through at times when it's really not convenient. But if you can just allow yourself to feel those hard emotions, that's the fastest way through. And you will get to the other side if you allow yourself to feel. And I really think that was the main theme of their first movie, because Riley is struggling with something that is happening in her life. And she has this predominant part that feels joy, and she likes that part. And yet, when Joy tries to suppress sadness, it just ends up making things worse for her. And when finally she can tap into that sadness, that enables her to then reconnect with joy. And also when she suppresses sadness, it also cuts her off from other parts of herself. And that is really sad. So allow yourself to feel all of your emotions. That's lesson number one.

So lesson number two is also largely from that first movie and is related to this first one. And that is, is that we all have these, you know, what they call islands in the movie. So, for Riley, in the movie, she has a family island friend island. There's honesty, and there's goofball islands. And all of these islands are part of her. They anchor her to who, and they all help her to feel good, to be alive. You know, when I work with anyone, but especially my couples, I really encourage them to develop themselves, to have their own interests, to have their own connect with their own wants and needs, to develop their own friendships, to do the things that they really love to do, to find what lights them up. So it's not just about your long term relationship. It's important. Well, to diversify and to have different things in your life and to not just. Or to not just work. It's really good and healthy to have all these things. You know, maybe you make friends or have a hobby you love, you volunteer, you exercise, and maybe you don't have time for all of that, but make sure you have activities and qualities about yourself that you appreciate. So these so called islands can help anchor you in hard times and also help you enjoy life. And when one thing ends up going away, so maybe a relationship ends, maybe a job comes to an end, you will have other things in your life that will buoy you and light you up. They will help you get through those hard times. Okay, so that's lesson number two.

Lesson number three comes from the second movie. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, we come to Riley's imagination. And imagination is a beautiful, wonderful thing. But when it is paired with strong emotions, like anxiety, or maybe grief or anger or envy or another strong emotion, it can end up feeding that underlying strong emotion and make it bigger. And another way that I talk about this with my clients is the stories that you tell yourself when you are triggered by that strong emotion, and that ends up eating that emotion and making things a lot bigger. And it can make it more difficult to keep your perspective and see things for what they really are. You know, I talk about this a lot with couples because this is exactly what so commonly gets couples into trouble, is that, you know, one person does something that triggers the other one. And then the one that's feeling triggered or activated, they start telling themselves these stories, and then it makes it bigger and bigger, and then that can end up triggering the other person. And so they start telling themselves stories, and suddenly you are so far from what originally happened that it makes it harder to deal with that underlying trigger. So, for example, one person makes a big purchase and doesn't tell the other one their partner notices it while looking at their bank account and might not even know what it is, but you can't believe they didn't tell you or check with you. And so you start telling yourself some stories. Maybe you start making things up about what it is that they purchased. Or maybe you start thinking that, oh, my gosh, maybe they're cheating on me and they bought something for somebody else, or they've got this secret life. And then you start thinking about all the ways that you're really not compatible with this person and all you think about all their flaws, and you can see that it just builds on itself, the reality. They made a big purchase and they didn't tell you. That's all you know for sure. Are you allowed to be angry about that? Of course. So feel those emotions. Allow yourself to feel that and then have a conversation. That anger is trying to protect you, so listen to it, but don't feed it. You know, have that conversation. Check in with them before you go down that road of demonizing them. Your partner probably crossed a boundary. They made a mistake. But have a conversation. Let them know how it made you feel, and then talk about what you need going forward. And then listen. Make sure you also listen to them. So the third lesson is, be aware of the stories you're telling yourself, that imagination that comes in that can make things bigger than they really are. See if you notice when you get hooked by those strong emotions. And see if you can stop yourself from telling those stories which are almost always untrue. Okay, that's the third lesson.

So, the fourth lesson is an overall theme for the second movie. And what that is is that we don't get to decide who anyone else is. None of us is all good. None of us is all bad. We are complicated, messy creatures made up of all these different, beautiful, complicated parts. And all of those parts try to do the best for us, even though that can be hard to see sometimes. And we also can't make choices for others. So being able to accept someone for all of whom they are is really good for our relationships. But maybe most important of all in this lesson is self acceptance. We are all flawed humans, but if we can come to accept all parts of ourselves and recognize that we have done the best that we can, given the circumstances of our lives, that we all have these different parts, then we're going to be better off. We have parts that might be self critical or judgmental or self absorbed. We might get jealous or envious or yell at others or drink too much. And we have parts that want others to be okay, that value honesty, that love, seeing others happy and want to do good in the world. All those beautiful things and they're all wrapped up together. You might have all of those qualities, or just some of them, and that's beautiful, but the sooner you can accept all parts of yourself, the happier you're going to be. So then we come to my bonus lesson. And I thought the movie was maybe gonna go here, and it kind of did, but it's not, hit you over the head, obvious, but that is the importance of our relationships and how that is tied to who we are. Our relationships influence our inner experience, and our inner experience impacts our relationships. It's a two way street. So when we know who we are, so when we're grounded in our values, we know what matters to us, and we generally feel good about who we are, that it makes it easier to connect with other people and have healthy relationships. And when we have good, healthy relationships with other people, that can help to remind us of who we are, what's important to us, and help us feel good about ourselves and about life. So that's a two way street. That's the last lesson.

So the overall takeaway here is that relationships matter and our relationships with ourselves are foundational. Now, I didn't talk so much about the main theme of inside out two, which is anxiety. And they portray it so well and really give you a sense of what it feels like, which can be a lot, but is really insightful. And given how prevalent anxiety is in the world today, especially with young people, I think. I think it's super important for us all to have a good understanding of what that's like and understand how that can affect our behavior and how then we end up interacting with others and the choices we make. All of that. During my internship, when I was training to be a psychologist, I got specialized training in anxiety. So I learned about panic disorder, OCD, phobias, generalized anxiety disorder. And that was really helpful in my work. But also me personally, I have anxiety, too. But what I have learned, I now can be in a room with a spider and not totally lose my shit. I can sing in front of hundreds of people and still feel nervous, but I can do it, and I can have a lot of fun. So that's been super helpful. And as a coach, I no longer diagnose or treat pulp people in general, but it still informs my work and helps support people, and it helps me to recognize how well inside out portrays anxiety.

So, anyway, I think it is a movie that is well worth your time. I hope you'll go see it. I hope you like it and let me know what you think. And that's it for today. I am going to be slowing down just a little bit on my podcasting this summer because the new side of my business, the psilocybin and facilitation, is ramping up and I still love the relationship coaching, and so I'm doing lots of that work too, so it's been really rewarding. I love what I do, but I anticipate that once I find my new rhythm, I'll be more regular with the podcasting. So I do love sharing good information with you all about relationships and self development, and I love connecting with all of my guests. So stay tuned and thanks for being here.

[16:47] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love is us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like. To follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm @theloveandconnectioncoach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.