The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 2

The Apt Cods Podcast

Nurse: I wonder why we always have the same owner, and she always brings stuffed animals?
Surgeon: We are waiting for the animal as we speak.
Nurse: Oh, really?
Surgeon: Yeah. It should be here in a matter of seconds.
Nurse: What is it?
Surgeon: 3...2...1... She's not here.
Nurse: Well, what is it?
Surgeon: She didn't say.
Nurse: Call her! We know her phone number. It's right here in the phone book.
(Telephone ringing)
Surgeon: It's the answering machine. She's not there. She should be here soon.
Nurse: I'll go wait on the sidewalk.
Surgeon: Must be having trouble figuring out which pet to bring. She has so many of them.
(Arf!)
Surgeon: A dog? I've always wanted to do a dog patient. Cool.
(barking)
Surgeon: Why are you dragging it along on that leash?
Nurse: Yes. How dare you drag your dog around like that!
Owner: Pretend it's walking.
Nurse: Pretend?! Oh the poor animal!
Owner: Mary, how about it's walking.
Nurse: Ok.
Nurse: What appears to be wrong with your dog?
Owner: Ahem. The dog is sick.
Surgeon: In what way?
Owner: It sneezes a lot.
Nurse: Does it have a cold?
Owner: Probably. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!
Surgeon: Is it active?
Owner: No.
(We hear the dog jumping on a file cabinet and barking)
Owner: It's not active! Mary, it's not active!
Surgeon: It appears very active.
Owner: Mary, don't do that!
Nurse: The dog appears to be making rock and roll music against the file cabinet.
Owner: Mary, come on! Don't do that!
Surgeon: Does you dog listen to too many CD's?
Owner: Well, he's listened to every CD I've listened to. He just lies there...
Nurse: He's banging his stomach against the file cabinet.
(Howling)
Nurse: And he's howling in pain.
(More howling)
Surgeon: Um... when you called you said that he had stomach pains and you said he wouldn't eat...
Owner: No, I didn't!
Nurse: Yes you did!
Owner: I never said that! I said he wouldn't play!
(Still howling)
Surgeon: He didn't play either, I know.
Owner: I never said he wouldn't eat!
Surgeon: I think the reason he doesn't eat--
Owner: I NEVER SAID HE DOESN'T EAT!
(Laughter)
Nurse: Okay. So. The dog is not eating.
(Dog is howling in pain)
Owner: Shiloh!
Nurse: His name is Shiloh.
Owner: Yeah. He's a beagle.
Surgeon: Why are you always saying, "His name is Shiloh!" and stuff like that?
Nurse: Because I feel like it! I'm a nurse!
Surgeon: I never had that sort of feeling. I guess it's because I'm not a nurse.
Nurse: We should take some X-rays to see if he has something lodged in his stomach. Or in his intestines.
Surgeon: Give me that dog.
Nurse: We should see if he has something in his intestines.
(Choking noises)
Nurse: Don't choke the dog!
Surgeon: Sorry! Sorry, I was just...
Owner: What are you doing to my poor puppy?!
Surgeon: My puppy!
Owner: My puppy!
Nurse: We appear to have an argument. Should we go to court, or solve this right now?
Surgeon: Eew! Stupid dog! He peed on me!
Owner: See what happens when you hold a dog that doesn't know you at all?
Surgeon: I think he's rather excited.
(Howling again)
Nurse: I am translating his howling into English. He appears to be saying, "My stomach hurts! My stomach! My stomach!" or in Spanish: "Mi estómago, mi estómago, mi estósmago!"
Surgeon: How did you know this?
Nurse: I am fluent in 2 million languages!
Surgeon: Well. We shall turn on the operating table light.
Owner: Oh no!
Surgeon: So... Miss, I will do anything in my power to make sure this dog is safe.
Nurse: Give it an X-ray so we can see what is lodged in its stomach or intestines.
(X-ray noises)
Nurse: There appears to be a fire hydrant inside of him.
Surgeon: It's a wonder he can breathe!
Owner: He's too small for a fire hydrant!
Nurse: I don't think he swallowed a fire hydrant. It appears to be his dog tag which is in the shape of a fire hydrant.
Surgeon: Aha! He was spending all his time around fire hydrants, so I guess he just swallowed one.
Nurse: That's dalmatians, not beagles! They spend all their time around guns.
Surgeon: My. He has fallen asleep.
(snoring)
Surgeon: I didn't know dogs snored.
Nurse: Oh. Maybe it was me.
Surgeon: Am I boring?
Nurse: Yes!
Surgeon: Okay. We need to get this fire hydrant--I mean--
Nurse: Don't do that!
Surgeon: I'm sorry--
Nurse: You're not supposed to do anything with its head!
Surgeon: I'm sorry, I just like to inject stuff into animals! (Evil laughter)
Surgeon: What I shall do is...I shall open its mouth and reach into its throat and take out the fire hydrant.
Nurse: It's not a fire hydrant! It's a dog tag!
Owner: I though you were going to put a tube in his throat.
Nurse: Yeah.
Surgeon: (taking something out of the dog's throat) Oops, that's his bone. Let's see what else is in there.
Nurse: Don't stick your hand in there!
Surgeon: Aha!
Nurse: You were supposed to stick a tube in his throat! You probably put a bunch of germs in there from your other patients!
Surgeon: Let's ventilate him.
(Ventilating sounds (whatever those are))
(Howl)
Nurse: Uh-oh, he awoke.
Surgeon: He's asleep now. Okay, um... Nothing is wrong with him anymore.
(Silence)
Nurse: Bandage him? I don't know... You're the surgeon! You know what to do!
Surgeon: I never operated on a dog before.
Nurse: Should we clean off this dog tag?
Surgeon: Ahem. Wipe, wipe, wipe.
Nurse: Aren't you supposed to sterilize--
Surgeon: Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Here you are, miss, here's your dog tag. I mean, the dog's dog tag. Um... Would you mind if we gave him a regular checkup? Check his ears and stuff?
Nurse: That would cost more!
Owner: Yeah, that would cost more!
Surgeon: Oh, sorry. Here's your dog, uh...
Nurse: Carry him home.
Surgeon: Yeah.
(Growl)
Surgeon: Aaaaah! He bit me! He bit me!
Nurse: Walk him home, then.
Surgeon: Phew. Did you know that dog bites cause more deaths a year than snake bites?
Nurse: I think I read that in the Boys' Life!
Surgeon: Did you, now?. (Pause) Miss, does your dog have rabies? When is the last time your dog had a rabies shot? Come back here! Give me that dog! Nurse, get the dog!
Nurse: In my records, it says that this dog had a rabies shot on December 12, 1549. Don't worry, this dog has had its rabies shots.