Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week
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565: Gun Up the Bum, No Harm Done
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This week Matt, Steve and Gav drank precisely 4 pints of lager and got into a room to record a podcast together. What is this, 2013??Par Regular Features
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564: Wide, Wide Nathan Jones
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If you don't know what we're talking about in your episode, that's actually on you, because you haven't done the research. Joe's discussing his very personal view on a smash hit television series everyone except Log and Steve has hopefully seen. Log, meanwhile, hopes you're au fait with a 1970s album that DOESN'T include Diana Ross. Steve stand, bl…
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JUMP! For my love. JUMP IN! And feel my touch. Please, wife, you have to jump now before it's too late. The cruise ship is sinking and this is the last lifeboat. If you don't jump, I'll float away and you'll be left to drown alone on that cursed boat. So, if you want to taste my kisses in the night, or ever again, my sweet love, then... JUMP!In thi…
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"Stop, Children, what's that sound?"Let me stop you right there, Buffalo Springfield, because I think I know the answer to this one. "That sound" is Episode 562 of Regular Features. And you know what? It very nearly wasn't. This is an unusual episode, in that it survived the total post-recording elimination of one participant, "Log", thanks entirel…
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Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji!In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular Features agony auntsack.Par Regular Features
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Did you know that the famous advertising slogan "got milk?" was almost something very different? Originally the tagline for milk was going to be "gimme da heffer wets, brother", until a marketing executive decided the phrase was too long to be coherently burped into a mother's face after downing the last pint of refreshing milk, straight from the f…
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559: Jedward's Waxy Funeral
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We're back! Sorry we've been away for a while, it's because we are actually dead now. Yeah we died. Sorry!In this episode, Matt sees a waxy head in a box. Steve shares a special moment with Jedward near some garlic. And Log tastefully designs each of our funerals. We'll be back with regular episodes from exactly now on. PLEASE. YOU MUST FORGIVE.…
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558: The Blackpool Magic Convention Tax Write-off Special
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Joe and Gav are now fully fledged magicians and they took their latest trick to the Blackpool Magic Convention to see if they could fool some fellow conjurers.Par Regular Features
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We can't keep meeting like this.In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.Par Regular Features
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556: Condor Wallpaper Vapes
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Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots a hat on the hatstand and says "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, a…
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555: Swings and Roundabouts in Shrewsbury
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They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it.In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to S…
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554: Nothing Compares 2 Worms
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Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats.…
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Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode! While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.Par Regular Features
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552: A Ramblemas Special Yes Please
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We love you readers. Happy new year.Par Regular Features
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551: Secret Airborne Delights, Just £45!
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If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap lik…
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550: A Groom With A View To A Kill A Mockingbird
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This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never ha…
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549: Ronnie's Floridian Locker Disaster
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Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what …
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548: The Wretched Tale of the Cuckoo Bee
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If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives.1. Stand on a railway arch2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity5. Stifle a gasp at Log's man…
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547: John Smyth's World of Hammers
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When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer?…
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Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads.I…
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545: The Haunted Hobbit Yard Sale
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In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them. Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would…
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544: Live at The Canal Cafe Theatre (again)
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This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. Listen to the podcast! https://regular…
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543: Take Off Your Jorts And Shacket
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In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically.(They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you …
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542: Curly Wurly Wolfy Blitzer
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Shopping list:- 2 beans- 2 kilos Freddos- A egg- One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland- One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes- One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house- A another egg"NewsSting" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://…
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541: A Series of Very Very Tiny Features
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You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features". It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entir…
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You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face i…
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539: Dogs Kissing (Very) Badly
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I'm hungry so this will be a short description. In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope.I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry helpPar Regular Features
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538: The Republican Primaries
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You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise.In this episode, Log introduces us to t…
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537: My Name Is Little Lord Fauntleroy
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This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love. Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav projects his feelings of anger on to a smoking neighbour.This episode is sponsored by Cunard Cruis…
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536: Squash My 6 Music Bear
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Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night?But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "RE…
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535: Introducing - Bushel de Groot
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bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l]NOUN, BRITISHA measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush.de Groot [də кнrōt′]NAME, DUTCHThe sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in all of western Europe and possibly THE GLOBE. Get a loa…
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534: Well If It Ain't Transparent Elon
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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. Oo that Devil, he's got a nerve on him, I'd like to truss him up and say, "try doing that again, Satan, when you'…
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In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us from curse... to worse!Par Regular Features
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If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy.In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.Par Regular Features
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531: Suckin' On My Towels Like You Wanted Me
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Who wants to hear a podcast about a gym botherer and a towel muncher? And also with a dash of tooth lover??Par Regular Features
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Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged. And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess, but mine is fancier. Hey wait, is that man riding a Shire horse over there? Come back, I have a comparison to make with you! Giddy up …
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This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his fiancée. Steve writes a poem to rival that one about your parents being bad for your bonce. Log commits horrors with language…
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528: Would You Like Beans With Those Sausages?
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Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy and his beautiful sausage fingers, each one inflated to 240PSI and fit to burst at the knuckles.Log has done a feature all about what …
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Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god …
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526: Crab Rangoon's Piss Wars
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I am REALLY gassy right now.Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals.Steve does meat of the week.Matt been stench in p*******.God, I am so gassy.Par Regular Features
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525: The British Kebab Awards 2023 Special
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Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar.justgiving.com/donate-a-donerIf you enjoyed this episode please consider donating to the incredible Donate-a-Doner charity to help the victims of the earthquake that affected Syr…
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524: Roger Baba Helmer Dook
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Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you…
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523: Zumbido, The Gladiator of Time
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Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523! 522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles. It's been injured in the chase, and 522, …
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522: Pretty Flyting For A White Viking
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No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it.In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Bren…
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521: Someone Left The Cake Out With Bourdain
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When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been sucked in by an international wish-granting scam. But it'd be absolutely galling if I was the only sap diligently facing his wish mat towards Orlando and …
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Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and t…
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519: The Last of The Dorito Retweets
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Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again.In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dor…
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518: The Blue Tick Game Pitch
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Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's go…
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517: Is Carol a Robot? feat. BlobbyWatch
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Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.Par Regular Features
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516: The Prince's Bolivian Fight
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Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.Par Regular Features
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