EU374: Beyond the Golden Rule

Exploring Unschooling

In this episode, Pam, Anna, and Erika explore the popular maxim known as the Golden Rule, which states, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Once we realize how different people are, however, we can see how treating others how we would like to be treated may fall short in our relationships. We dive into an updated version, “Treat others how they would like to be treated,” which really means learning more about the people we care about. Using this phrase as a guide can serve to deepen our relationships and strengthen our feelings of connection.

We hope you find our conversation helpful on your unschooling journey and in your relationships!

THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE

The Living Joyfully Shop – books, courses, including Four Pillars of Unschooling and Navigating Conflict, coaching calls, and more!

The Living Joyfully Network

Watch the video of our conversation on YouTube.

Follow @exploringunschooling on Instagram.

Follow @pamlaricchia on Instagram and Facebook.

Check out our website, livingjoyfully.ca for more information about navigating relationships and exploring unschooling.

Sign up to our mailing list to receive The Living Joyfully Dispatch, our biweekly email newsletter, and get a free copy of Pam’s intro to unschooling ebook, What is Unschooling?

We invite you to join us in The Living Joyfully Network, a wonderful online community for parents to connect and engage in candid conversations about living and learning through the lens of unschooling. This month, we’re talking about seasons—in unschooling and in life. Come and be part of the conversation!

So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

ERIKA: Hello everyone. I’m Erika Ellis from Living Joyfully, and I’m joined by my co-hosts, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia. Hello, to you both. And today we’re going to talk about life beyond the Golden Rule. I’m looking forward to diving into this one.

But before we get started, have you visited Living joyfully shop.com lately? Our online shop has Pam’s unschooling books, lots of helpful coaching options and online courses such as Four Pillars of Unschooling, if you’re newer to unschooling and Navigating Conflict, if you’d like ideas to help you navigate conflicts in your relationships. We also have courses on Validation and navigating Unschooling Wobbles at the shop. You can learn more about the Living Joyfully network, as well. We’re excited to be creating a one-stop shop to support you along your unschooling journey, and we hope you’ll check it out.

And Pam, would you like to get us started about the Golden Rule?

PAM: Sure. And to get us all started on the same foot, The Golden Rule is basically – treat others as you would like them to treat you. It’s kind of wrapping it up, and I do think that can be a great start on the journey of exploring and choosing how we treat other people.

It’s a reminder to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to imagine how we’d like to be treated in those circumstances. And that comes with the assumption built into it that we treat ourselves reasonably nicely and then consider doing that instead of reacting more negatively. Right? It is just a nice reminder to treat people nicely, and I think it’s got that nice hook of putting yourself in the situation.

What we want to talk about today is taking that next step beyond the golden rule. I think it is to bring in what is becoming one of our mantras. People are different. Because in some situations, even in many situations, the way that I’d like to be treated may be very different from how someone else would like to be treated.

I mean, as I was thinking about this, it reminded me of a question you asked recently in the network, Anna, how do you like to be comforted when you’re sad or upset? It’s been so interesting to read the replies to that, right? Because while there are definitely some similarities between the answers, there are definitely some distinct differences and so many nuances.

Because we’re real people. So what helps me move beyond the golden rule really is to try to see the situation through their eyes. That’s that next little shift that helps me. So if I was them, what would this look like? What would it feel like? Doing that means considering their personality, their likes, their dislikes, their strengths, the things they find challenging.

All those pieces that make up who they are. And then from there, I feel much better equipped to empathize with them, to validate their view of things. And we’re in that space to share suggestions that are a better fit for them, rather than sharing the things I’d want to do in their shoes. So, it is just that little flip that really helps take it beyond the golden rule of putting myself into everybody else’s shoes and what I would like to happen, so that the world is all about me.

And then recognizing that people are different. And in this situation, what does it look like to the other person?

ANNA: I do feel like it’s a great place for people to start, right? Because it’s that idea of being kinder and thinking, how would I want to be treated?

And that gives you that little bit of pause, which is always so important. I remember when I was first thinking about this, which has been, gosh, like 25 years ago now. I switched it to – treat everyone how they want to be treated. That was my quick around. I love now that we have over the years really gone into what you talk about, Pam, which is again, seeing through their eyes.

Because I think whatever visual helps you to really pull back a little bit and understand them. So, wondering, how do they want to be treated? That’s where we can get curious, right? We can think, we are different and we can leave space for what they want in this moment?

Because that question was a perfect example from the network. Some wanted to be left alone, some wanted to be held, some wanted to be talked to, some to process. And that’s just with one tiny little thing of how do you like to be comforted in a situation? There’s so many ways of how you want to interact?

What kind of jobs do you want? What kind of places do you want to go? How do you like to spend your time? All of these things come into play when we think about how we move through situations differently. And if we are thinking, I want to treat them how I want to be treated, we’re going to miss a lot.

And I think it can actually be really disconnecting, which is sad because that’s not the intent behind the golden rule. It isn’t to create a disconnect, but I think if you think about it, it really can. If someone is treating you in the way that they want to be treated, but it doesn’t feel like they see you or really are honoring you, or know who you are at that moment, it can feel really disconnecting.

ERIKA: Oh, I really like that. And, when I was thinking about the intention that a lot of us have, as unschooling parents with our kids and with our families, we really do intend to have this deep connection, these strong relationships.

And so if that’s the intention, then we have to go beyond the golden rule to really hearing what the other person likes, what really works for them. Sometimes it’s an easier thing to just be like, well, what would I like in this situation? And then we’ll just assume that’s what everyone likes and just do that.

So it may take a little bit more time and digging and curiosity and asking the people, how did it feel when I did that? What would work better for you in that situation? Like that question in the network, How do you like to be comforted is so huge and it reminds me, if I’m sick I want attention and if my husband’s sick he wants to be left alone. And that is just one part of life. This one small thing where if I treat him the way I want to be treated, I would be doting on him all day and giving him a lot of attention and asking him about his symptoms and trying to figure things out. Because that’s what feels better to me.

But if he leaves me alone, which he does, or if I am too in his business, which I would tend to do for him, it’s like we are missing what actually really feels good to each other. I think I could come up with a million examples of just little differences between me and my kids, me and my husband, where if I were to put myself in their shoes, I’m going to make a completely different decision than they will.

PAM: I love that you brought up intention because that’s a really huge piece of it. What is my intention here? That helps me broaden my perspective when I am considering and talking to them and asking them. And we can write stories. If I was putting myself in your shoes, if I’m sick and wanting people to come and ask and to talk about symptoms and to try and help and somebody isn’t coming, we can be telling the story to ourselves that they don’t care. They’re just happy for me to be sick, Versus understanding other people and where they’re coming from. So it doesn’t mean that we’re all perfectly acting. You know what I mean? But it is such a great reminder, even in those moments when we’re literally not connecting and talking to people to understand that the story that we’re writing might not be what’s actually going on.

ANNA: Yeah, that’s definitely where I was going. Which is just, then it creates the stories, right? Then we write the story of what it means, but it’s really the same piece in that we’re writing the story of what would that action mean if we were doing it. So what would the action mean of me not checking on you if I were doing it, so if in your case, Erika it might mean that you don’t like the person. You don’t have time for them or whatever. It might be the reason you would ignore someone if they were not feeling well. But for Josh, that’s not at all what he’s thinking.

And I’m more like him in that I just want to be left alone. I like check-ins periodically if I’m super sick. But not a lot of questions and a lot of other things. Because it just feels like weight to me. But that’s what’s so cool about this is you can see just even this little exchange in conversation, we’re learning more about each other and so when we can bring that kind of curiosity to it and no weight about what it means or thinking there’s one right way or any of those pieces, it becomes kind of fun to figure out and ask the questions.

And I think sometimes maybe we haven’t been encouraged to ask the questions or to be curious. We kind of had this idea of, okay, a person’s sick, you take care of them in X, Y, Z way. Maybe our parents passed that on to us or we got it from movies or wherever. But isn’t it kind of neat to just say, what do you want when you’re not feeling good? And here’s what I want and here’s what I’ve been thinking about and just opening up more lines of communication to kind of understand these deeper pieces. Because I think sometimes as humans or especially now, we may think that people aren’t interested in those things, but our closest people really are interested and I think if we model that, being interested in them, it really can help.

ERIKA: I like rewriting it to, what you were saying, Anna. Try to treat others as they want to be treated themselves. But, right. I think maybe it feels like they would tell me if it wasn’t working for them. You may have to get extra curious and really just check in with the people, which I just think would bring so much to the relationship too. Because that’s the thing that I love about it, let’s learn more about the people in our lives. It’s just so interesting. And the more that we can just be curious and ask these questions, when I did that, how did it feel? And that may feel like a question that has never been asked in your whole life. And so it may feel a little bit awkward to have conversations like that, but it really is how you figure out more about the people in your lives and the people that you want to be close to.

So I think that kind of a shortcut of the golden rule when you’re just out in public, pushing your shopping cart to the side because that’s what you would like for other people to do. Those kinds of things work. But when it’s these close connections and people that you really want to be close to. Then asking the questions and just checking in and giving them the narration of, when I am having this situation, I love it when other people do this or, I really feel supported when you do this for me. Just to give information. I think it’s just another thing that can help us deepen our relationships.

PAM: I really think that helps so much with the connection, the understanding, the empathy, the ability to see through someone else’s eyes more deeply because, we’re guessing, we’re trying. And then you’ve got some who aren’t so much into conversations, so then you’re like trying something and seeing what the reaction, how does that unfold and trying different things.

It doesn’t literally need to be conversations, but the exchange of information being open and curious about it, whether you’re looking for clues or you’re asking questions. I think one little thing that was helpful for me was if someone was sick and not feeling well, when someone’s off or it’s a challenging moment, in the actual moment isn’t a great time to have the conversation.

But it doesn’t mean we don’t, we can talk about it a little bit later and then to be able to bring that understanding next time. When Rocco’s sick, and he likes to be checked on and I’m more of a, I’ll let you know if I need something.

We can make that little joke. It can lighten because, I’m seeing this through your eyes and I want to treat you the way you would like to be treated. And I have the capacity to do this, so it’s a deeper level we were talking about, of those stronger relationships.

To be able to even just on a meta level, discuss this depth of understanding we have of the other person and bring that into the conversation as well, because we can also change over time.

ANNA: Right. I feel like it might feel more awkward than it is. Because as you all were talking, I was thinking I do tend to like to be left alone in a lot of different situations.

But really, I think if someone asked me a question like that, I would feel pretty seen by that. Because it’s not like they’re pushing something on me. They’re asking, Hey, what would feel good to you? Or did this feel okay? Or, this is what I’m thinking or what I like. That would be interesting to me.

That would be an interesting conversation. I might not want it to be really, really long. But I think I would feel really seen by that. So it’s interesting to think even when you know you have a child that maybe doesn’t like to have big, long conversations. Sometimes I wonder if that’s because we are kind of inserting our piece into the communication of that conversation maybe a little bit more strongly, and maybe ‘not liking conversations, is a sign we’re not hearing them.

We’re not giving them a chance to say what’s happening for them. So, I don’t know. I think it’s interesting to just play with the idea. Again, it’s just learning more about each other and learning more about how we want to have these conversations? Is it better to have some kind of trial and error and do different things?

Is it better to have that conversation before or after, or a little bit during, you know, that’s the fun of learning to live with other people and figuring out what makes sense.

ERIKA: Yeah, I love that. And it’s kind of inspiring me to maybe ask that question a little bit more often with my kids. Because I think one thing that can happen is, we get in the role of parent or, this is how I’ve always done it. But we know that our kids change as they grow. And so, it totally makes sense to keep checking in. Even if you used to love this, is it still feeling good? Or, I really love when someone does this, how does it feel to you? Just those little curious questions to get to know them better.

PAM: Yeah. And I think I really like that perspective of not just like, okay, I know you now, even with other adults, even with your partner, because I know myself, things change over time. The way I like to show up to things, the things that I like to show up for, the things that have kind of run their course and now I’m not really interested in them as much anymore.

Just helping other people understand us. And just sharing, like you were talking about narrating there before, Erika. Like just being able to share those little pieces along the way so that we continue to understand and even celebrate those changes. Not make someone feel bad that they have changed.

You don’t like that anymore. We used to have so much fun doing that together. I’m going to miss that. Versus really diving into who they are right now.

ANNA: Right. We’re making a big deal otherwise. I just thought of an example from my life. So in the early years, everyone that knows me would have said, Anna doesn’t like to hug. Pam, you probably even knew that about me from 25 years ago. It’s interesting, as I did work on my trauma and my pieces, turns out that I do actually like to hug people, especially people that I’m close to or friends with or really in a lot of different environments. But because it was like a thing, people make a big deal about it – wait! You don’t like that! And so, then it’s just like, okay, nope, I don’t like it. Forget it. It doesn’t give me room to change or grow. And so, I think that’s the piece, right? The open and curious piece of not assigning, whether it’s how we would see the situation or how we think they would see the situation.

Get more information or leave space for it to unfold. And I think that is just worth so much more than just the golden rule and ending there. But I also like what you said too, Erika, just about the golden rule, out in the supermarket. It makes a lot of sense. It’s a very good place to start. I want to be kind to people. I would like them to be kind to me. That feels nice. And then in my closer relationships, in my more intimate relationships, what’s that next step to really deepen that connection and understanding of each other.

ERIKA: Well, this has been a lot of fun. I really love this little topic, so I hope you enjoyed our conversation and maybe had an a-ha moment or got some ideas to consider on your own unschooling journey. And if you enjoy these types of conversations, I think you would love the Living Joyfully Network. It’s such an amazing group of people connecting and having thoughtful conversations about all the things we encounter in our unschooling lives. You can learn more at living joyfully.ca/network or on living joyfully shop.com, and we hope to meet you there. So, thanks for listening, and we will see you next time.