See Them

Overflow with Craig Booker

Will opens with a story about his son, Liam.

He had asked his son to clean his room while he was working in his home office. After a few failed attempts to motivate his son, he tried to incentivize his ask by paying him $3 if he cleaned his room. If he failed to clean his room, his son would owe Will $3. The idea backfired when his son, in tears, brought in his whole piggy bank, begging him to take his money. His son, Liam, felt disconnected from his dad and needed time to reconnect.

Liam didn’t know how to express what he needed and Will acknowledged that he was slow in recognizing the need.

“To lead kids and teenagers, first you have to see them. When they feel seen, you win their heart. Seeing them requires us to look beyond how they behave on the outside to try and understand what they may be feeling on the inside.”

I would take this quote a step further to include adults. We all need to feel seen by those around us. We need others to try and understand what we are feeling on the inside.

Seeing Beyond the Behavior

Anytime a kid or adult faces despair, their behavior may not be what you expect. For someone facing despair, you might see irritability, moodiness, pulling away, or shutting down.

Will encourages readers to ask themselves, "Do I know where they are coming from?"

Will provides these examples:

• What may have happened earlier that day?

• What trust has been eroded from past disappointments?

• What kind of trauma have they experienced from the pain of poverty or a high-crime neighborhood?

• What social pressures might they be facing that we have no idea about?

• What kind of pain are they carrying from the daily reminders of political and social injustice?

• What shame might they be carrying from poor decisions or an abusive situation?

Depending on your relationship with the other person, you may know a lot, but realize that you don't know everything they face.

If you are a coach, small group leader, pastor, or caring adult, you often won't know what they are dealing with until you ask.

The questions above help us see beyond the behavior and empathize with the other person.

See What They Feel

"If you want to get in tune with your kids, you have to see past their behavior and understand what they are really feeling."

According to the book The Power of Showing Up, the best place to begin is to avoid shaming, labeling, or dismissing.

Let's talk through an example. In the book, Will Hutcherson provides a similar scenario.

Your daughter comes home from school and is upset. You learn that she has failed her math test. She throws her backpack down as she walks into the room and begins to cry.

As a parent, there are several ways you could respond to the situation. Your first inclination might be to shame, label, or dismiss.

Let's take a look:

Shaming: "You failed your test?! How could you do that? That was stupid!”

Labeling: "You know you failed your test because you are lazy. If you just worked harder and spent less time playing on your phone or that silly video game, you would have done better."

Dismissing: "No worries. There's no reason to be upset. It's just one test; you'll get it next time."

These responses might seem like the logical thing to say, but can hurt the person on the receiving end.

We often fail to realize that by going straight for the logical, we can unintentionally invalidate their emotions.

When a teen or adult is experiencing despair, jumping straight to logic can "worsen feelings of loneliness or beliefs that no one 'gets them.'"