A Grace Disguised (Part 3) - Jerry Sittser

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A Grace Disguised (Part 3) - Jerry Sittser

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Forgiveness

Guest: Jerry Sittser

From the series: A Grace Disguised (Day 3 of 3)

Bob: Proverbs 25:11 says, “A Word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” When someone has experienced loss we need to be careful that our words are fitly spoken. Here’s Jerry Sittser…

Jerry: Sometimes words can actually exacerbate the problem rather than help the problem. I mean, Job’s three friends did their best work when they just shut their mouths for a week and sat with Job on that heap of ashes. The cue is, when they’re ready to talk, then you’re ready to listen. When they really feel like they are ready to receive a word, then you give it, but never before that. And what you don’t want to do is use words to try to somehow push the loss and its significance away.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, July 8th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I’m Bob Lepine. We’ll here today how God shows up in the midst of loss. And about how we can show up, too.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today and thanks for joining us. Just as I was walking in here, I got an email from our mutual friend, Dr. Michael Easley, who is the pastor at Fellowship Bible Church in Franklin, TN, and Michael sent me a prayer that he had written to send to a couple who had experienced the loss of a child a year ago today. The child had lived two months and unexpectedly died. And Michael wrote this prayer for them.

He said, I pray for you today that your memories will be sweet, that your hearts will be calmed, that you will find a non-anxious presence. That you will choose to trust and see good when there is nothing for sure, that you will grieve, but not as those who have no hope, that you will find comfort and mercy in places others may never know.

That your “why” questions will be replaced with a confidence in knowing that, He knows, and that’s enough. We love you and ask Him to pour mercy, kindness and hope into your hearts. He does indeed know you and love you no matter what your experience may try to tell you.

Dennis: Bob, you know as I listen to those words, I think, how many people listening to this broadcast right now have experienced loss, some kind of major loss in their lives, in the past 5 to 10 years.

As I said earlier, if you live long enough, you will experience loss. In fact, life is really made up of a lot of losses as we lose our childhood, and move into adulthood. Some of those losses look good at the time but some of the losses aren’t easily figured out, in fact, some are never figured out on this side of heaven. We’ve had a guest with us, Dr. Jerry Sittser who has helped us better understand the process of grieving through his book, A Grace Disguised. Welcome back.

Jerry: Thank you, it’s good to be here.

Dennis: I mentioned earlier, that Barbara had recommended this book to me after our daughter, Rebecca and her husband Jake, experienced the loss of their daughter after seven days of life. And Barbara joins us on the broadcast as well. Sweetie, welcome.

Barbara: Thank you, glad to be here.

Dennis: In fact, I hadn’t asked you this question, sweetheart. As you read this book, what was it about Jerry’s book that most ministered to you, and why have you recommended it to so many people?

Barbara: Well, I wish I had my copy in front of me, I tried to find it this morning, and I can’t find where I set that thing. But at any rate it’s all underlined and marked, and page corners turned back.

And one of the things I remember most vividly is early in the first few chapters, Jerry, you talk about how loss is loss and that it doesn’t do any good to compare losses, and to say that this loss is worse than that loss. Because loss brings grief and it brings pain and that grief and that pain is real and it needs to be experienced. It is what it is. To try to explain it or measure it and say it’s not really that bad or it’s worse than this, doesn’t really make any difference in the long run. I think we are so prone to wanting to measure and figure these things out.

The other piece I remember real vividly is a later chapter in the book, it talks about how our identity is changed by grief and loss and how so much of who we are is wrapped up in our identity with that thing or that person or that ability we have lost. Whether it’s a divorce or a death, or whether it’s losing the ability through physical illness and how that personal identity is transformed through the process of loss and grief. I thought that was really helpful and profound.

Jerry: I call that the amputation of the familiar self.

Barbara: That’s what it was, yes.

Jerry: It’s extraordinarily hard, because we are really defined by our location, our relationships, our work, these things provide sources of identity and when one of those is lopped off, it requires a pretty long and significant period of adjustment to figure out who you are in the wake of the loss of that thing, when that thing defined you to some degree.

We have these phantom pains, you know. Phantom pains are the leg telling you it’s still there when you look down and it’s not there anymore. That’s what an amputation does and we will go through a long period of time when we feel those phantom pains of still feeling like we are this person, we belong to this person, we do this particular line of work and this kind of thing, even though we don’t anymore.

Bob: How long was it for you in the weeks that followed the car accident where your wife and your daughter and your mother all were killed? For how many months did you have this kind of reflexive phantom impulse to say, oh, I ought to call her and share this with her and then realize she’s not there?

Jerry: Well, for a long time. Reflexive is the right word, too...